• 22:03 Staying up waaaaay too late. Go to bed! #
• 22:18 And eating too much... #

• 12:03 80 what? Where is cold, crisp November? We practically melted at the Veteran's Day parade today. #
• 12:05 And yet another sign that we are getting very, very old: Aaron and I both choked up at seeing the flag and veterans walking in the parade. #
• 12:06 What is next? Lawrence Welk? #

• 08:25 TGIF!!! Hooray! #
• 13:53 Going shopping!!! #

• 15:27 What a gorgeous day! Apparently putting those summer clothes into storage was a bit hasty. #

• 20:58 It must be late. I am toggling websites about cloth diapering and feeling very much convinced. Should I do it? #
• 20:59 p.s. thanks to all for the recommendation about don'tjudgemyhair.com. Laughing out loud right now. #

• 06:01 November already? #
• 06:02 The delight of daylight savings time is no longer when you have children. They now just wake at 5:30 a.m. instead of 6:30 a.m. #

Seemed Appropriate

I was a witch, obviously.



Aaron was Elvis.


Due to the fact that we missed the picture opportunity this year with Aaron, I am showing, for your viewing pleasure tonight, a picture of Aaron getting ready for "trek" in 2008. In this picture you might notice him sporting a healthy beard--the singular object that brought all romantic notions to a screeching halt in our home that summer. Clearly, I would not have done well as one of Brigham's wives, but I digress. Enjoy!

Fast Sunday on Halloween?

They started out as pretty cute pirates but, to my chagrin, ended up stripping much of their costumes and walking around the ward's trunk or treat looking like the tattered little orphan boys who's mommy was too tired (or too broke) to dress them for Halloween. I hope this doesn't mean that I will be getting more* hand-me-downs doorbell ditched in the coming weeks.

Despite the wardrobe malfunctions, however, I think they had a marvelous time. And we almost got away without even picking up candy (the boys seemed happy enough just to hand it out and watch the endless parade.) But the inner-Mommy inside of me finally prevailed so we traipsed around to a few cars and drove home appropriately sticky and tired after the night's festivities.

Little do they know, that I have already corralled all their loot, sorted it, trashed some, and tucked the rest of it away until, in the coming months, we need a three-in-the-afternoon-pick-me-up. Either that, or a bribe.

*I seem to attract the charitable gaze of many a person who is looking to get rid of children's clothing. Seriously, people give me stuff, at least, every couple of months. I am not complaining, mind you. Really, it is very kind of them. All I am saying is that it is starting to give me a complex.

• 10:11 Caught ASH eating out of the garbage. #
• 10:14 Finally turned the heater on today. The smell makes me want to bake, make soup, and snuggle down with a book. #
• 10:32 In an attempt to be frugal, made my own cheese crackers yesterday. Took, maybe, 10 minutes to put together and the results were heavenly. #
• 20:17 Dear visiting teachers, home teachers, neighbors, and anonymous holiday zealots: I love you all, but please stop bringing by treats. Really. #

• 07:37 Fevers again today. Hate to admit it, but it is such a nice break to have a quiet, complacent, five-year-old. #

Food Storage for Lovers

My oldest baby is sick today with a fever. It made for a nice mellow day at home and I am finally taking a breath after another crazy few weeks. I even took a nap today. (The miracles will never cease!) I got a new calling this past week that sent me rummaging, in a brief emotional moment of stress, for chocolate throughout the house: Young Women's President. And I have been canning again (thanks to my great friend).

The bad news of the month is that I haven't really made a lot of progress in the weight loss department (currently at 168 lbs and holding), but the good news is that I haven't made any gains, either. And I am learning so much--about myself, about food, and about self-control in general.

I think why this month has been harder is because I am trying to tighten up the self-control muscles in multiple areas of my life. I am trying to learn to eat consistently, well (ie not wasting time eating gross food, emphasizing whole-grains, fruit, vegetables, etc), and with gratitude for it.

I am also trying to become stronger, physically. This involves breaking down years of mind barriers (I'm not that kind of person...) in addition to just plain getting up earlier than the children to exercise.

Then there is the budget. Without divulging too many boring details, we have enacted a tighter stance. And though there is money that could be spent, we are trying not to spend it.

Not to mention the fervent desires of my heart for meditation, scriptures and prayer. They go without saying and, always for me, take discipline and constant attention.

Mix it all together and I am running out of indulgences, frankly. I cannot (or will not) eat mounds of cookie dough. I am not wantonly purchasing to my heart's content, and I am trying to be frugal even in the necessities. The advent of motherhood has effectively relegated personal exercise and spiritual enlightenment to the early morning hours. And the list goes on and on.

Where can a girl catch a break?

Finally, though, in the interest of complete disclosure, I am not tearing it up in any of the above categories. Really, I am not. But there is so much satisfaction and power in the attempting--in the striving. And I can feel my heart changing.

• 20:45 Turbo scrabble, anyone? #
• 21:45 Ok, fine. I ate half of the pan of apple crisp today. There. I said it. (I really need some professional help, obviously.) #

• 19:34 Enjoyed myself at the Witches Tea Party, now I'm off to the Stake Dance. I can almost hear "Lady in Red" as we speak. Wish me luck! #

• 22:27 So I am sitting on the backyard porch, shooting the breeze with the hubby, and a skunk casually saunters by looking for grub. #
• 22:28 Totally freaked me out. My blood ran cold... Now I am watching him through the window wishing the kids were awake to see it. #
• 22:29 Aaron's texting various friends to see if anyone wants to come and do some target practice. #

• 11:23 Re-thinking the pillsbury bake-off. I don't like the products, and looking over the website, I feel out-of-place. #
• 11:23 It's a jungle out there. Ladies make a career out of this stuff. #

Finally Broke Through

169 lbs this morning!!! (Technically it was 168 for three times and then 169 for two times. But for goal-sake I am rounding up! Yes, I am a multiple weigher-inner.)

Unfortunately my goal for next week is 167 lbs, which means that I need to stop eating these lovely ham appetizers that I am making for Aaron's work today. Darn.

• 19:56 Successful family home evening means ending with a rousing game of "boola, boola." Ahhh, memories. #

Ladies and Gentlemen, It's List Time!!

It has been an interesting few months. I have been:

• Staying up, consistently, too late every night
• Learning to make ruffles
• Losing children in department stores
• Coordinating a wedding reception in two weeks
• Failing at communicating and leading (I have so much more to learn)
• Coming up with tart crust recipes
• Baking said tart crusts
• Eating said tart crusts
• Coming up with filling recipes
• Taste-testing said recipes
• Pulling off the wedding reception (with lots of great gals)
• Doorbell ditching leftover tarts
• Enjoying the constantly-entertaining antics of my little ones
• "Falling off the wagon"
• Getting back on the wagon (never surrender...)
• Feeling lonely and misunderstood in the world of women (sometimes I would just rather talk to men, they are much less...complicated at times)
• Transforming an ugly DI-headed jumper into a lovely light skirt
• Playing "hide and go seek" as a family and having a grand time (I forgot how much fun that stuff is...)
• Watching conference
• Re-listening to conference on the iPod
• Kissing
• Failing at motherhood
• Succeeding at motherhood (ha!)
• Boot scootin boogie-ing with the YW
• Studying America's Test Kitchen's latest cookbook (and then putting it on the back burner for a while because it is a distraction to my diet...)
• Fitting into my dress that I wore to Aaron's misson home-coming talk (Hooray!!!)
• Waiting (in vain!) for that 169 on the scale
• Running my mouth
• Absorbing Elizabeth Smart's trial testimony
• Exercising outside at night and in the morning--finally sane weather after months of madness
• Feeding four hungry teenagers
• Re-working the family budget to save several thousand more a year (cross the fingers)
• Devouring Julia Child's My Life in Paris
• Embarassing myself
• Suffering through mandatory "parent meetings" at HY's school
• Enjoying the quirks and sweet babblings of my baby
• Trying my hand at canning (or my friend's hand, really. But I am learning.)
• Writing parody (TBA later...)
• Leaving the children with a babysitter and going to that college football game we wanted to go to
• Running, as a family, and loving it (yes, actually jiggling up and down and everything. Shocking, I know.)
• Loving my crazy, boring, tasty, casual, loud, exhausting, fabulous, and fulfilling life!

• 19:30 So so so tired. Everyone in bed right now! #

• 09:06 Good morning Saturday!!! What shall we do today? #
• 09:07 Welcome little sissy and new uncle-to-be. Wish you could stay longer. #

• 09:30 Another day of tart crusts. Yesterdays failed attempts at a white chocolate crust are still fresh in my mind, and I feel tired. #
• 21:13 Still making crusts... #

• 09:52 Getting ready for some creative cookery! Trying to come up with a mint mousse filling that does not taste like toothepaste. #
• 15:01 Success! #

• 07:47 Loved General Conference. Wish we could have it once a month. Elder Holland's talk shook the rafters. #
• 08:50 There is a sharp, cool breeze outside. Finally. My soul is sighing. #
• 13:43 Sometimes I just love that I live with all boys. Today is one of those days--one woman is enough. #

• 20:50 Canned peaches today under the tutelage of my friend Ashley. I feel so, so, domestic. #

• 09:25 170 lbs this morning. 15 to goal. #

• 14:13 Another childhood 1st today: HY stuffed a Kix cereal ball up his nose during Sac Meeting. When he couldn't pull it out, he was traumatized. #
• 14:13 ...I haven't seen Aaron laugh that hard in a long time. #

• 14:11 While examining blobs of lipstick on the carpet, HY just alerted me to a sudsy pool coming out of the bottom of the dishwasher. #
• 14:12 I don't know why, but, at the moment, it all strikes me as enormously funny... Really, I cannot stop laughing. #
• 14:12 What next? #

• 16:27 Me: "So, do you know who the president of the U.S. is?" HY: (smugly) "Yes, President Bottom!" Me: (laughing) "Um, close.." #

I Hate It When the Answer is Always "Exercise"

I spent a few minutes this afternoon doing some reading/meditating/actually-had-personal-prayer-for-the-day-ing.

Then later I read some thoughts from other people (ie: blogs, etc) about their bad days this week, and the comments my friends left for me after my meltdown this afternoon--motherhood is a "work in progress,'' "It will pass" and "even things done wrong, bless your family." Their words reached into me and melted my cold, clutched heart.

Then finally, tonight after dinner, we went on a walk as a family (and actually did some jogging, which was fun). The combination of them all, like magic, has shifted my attitude this evening and the world looks brighter and I don't feel so down and so terribly blue.

I guess we are all in this together, in a way. The trick, maybe, is balance, optimism, and endurance.

Oh yeah, and some sleep.

Might As Well Throw In the Towel

It's been such a "bad mom day." Actually a "bad mom month," really. And I don't really know why. It always seems like everyone else in the world is having this grand and glorious time with motherhood and I am not. It is like somebody forgot to teach me how to do this, because, really I have no idea.

It seems like every day is filled with mistakes--I am unkind, impatient, neglectful, and just plain selfish. And they are whiny, and whiny, and bored, and fighting, and whiny, and messy, and whiny. I find myself matching their (justified) immaturity with my (unjustified) immaturity.

And the thing is, it is not getting better. I seem to be getting worse as I go along. And I feel such deep regret and guilt at the end of every frustrating day. These poor children. They are so good and sweet and innocent and they deserve far better.

I feel like I am messing them up and I know that I am not giving them all of the love and attention that they need.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Sometimes I just need to write it down.

• 20:53 Just got home from a Bishop's fireside on chastity. So glad to be married... #

• 15:03 Watching "Enchanted" with HY--both singing along at the top of our lungs..."how does she know you love her?..." #

• 11:04 Three milk spills is my daily limit. Especially for this early in the morning. Allllll dummmmmmmm! #
• 20:28 Settling down to watch some Harry Potter with the hubby. #

Happy Face

172 lbs today. I can hardly believe it. I'm trying to think of a great "reward" for when I break into the 160's.

In previous diet attempts, I have assuaged the hunger pains with promises of gorge sessions in the future. But, for some reason, this time, more food and gorging doesn't sound appealing. Not just because it will wreck all the work that has gone into the last several weeks, but it is no longer something that sounds nice. It doesn't feel good to overeat. In fact, it feels gross. I'd, honestly, rather do something else, like go on a lovely hike with my family.

A revelation.

Almost exactly one year ago, I sat holding a newborn baby in my arms crying uncontrollably because I was too fat to fit into anything I owned and I had zero desire to run after and play with my children. My greatest desire with the arrival of baby boy #3 was to change my life--my understanding of living. I wanted to reconcile who I am and what my passions are with a healthy, strong, active lifestyle. The task seemed overwhelming at best, and impossible at worst.

But, here we are...

And I'm never, never going back.

Goal, next week: 171 lbs.

• 21:40 Dinner was delish tonight: Fettuccine with carmelized red onion, zuchinni, and lemon parmesan cream sauce. The baby loved it. #

• 10:39 What? Are those stickers on my glass-top range??? (I get online for, like, 2 minutes...) #

• 08:36 What could be more beautiful than a September morning and three little boys? #
• 13:24 Just ordered 14 pizzas online. I know, you're jealous. #
• 16:00 It is enormously frustrating when your children fight. I feel so drained after a day of them "tussling." #

Dreams Really Do Come True

173 lbs

• 11:11 Happy September 11th. God bless America! #
• 11:12 Feeling somewhat sentimental this morning. #
• 14:01 Paying bills. #

Didn't Think I Was Going to Make It

Squeezed it in this week, barely, no thanks to the Labor day weekend with Elizabeth and those danged coconut cupcakes...

174 lbs, today.

Goal, next week: 173 lbs.

Land of the Free and Home of the Brave

I can't believe it has been eight years * I was in college--my Mom told me about the first plane and then the pentagon while I was getting ready * My first class that morning was empty--the teacher had written on the board "no class today, go home and be with your families" * I called my best friends--they were still in bed, had no idea... * We spent the day in shocked silence * Everyone stood quietly, eyes glued to the TVs in the halls * My last class that day was at 7 p.m. My teacher, not an American, said "Your President is speaking, get out of here and go listen to him" We filed out in silence to another building and sat in tears with the rest of the nation as we heard the address * I went home that day defeated, almost scared, not knowing if more attacks where imminent--wondering how my family felt.. * Headache, overwhelming heaviness of heart * The next morning: flags flying everywhere, flag stickers on cars, wearing red-white-and blue, standing in long lines to give blood * Most heart-wrenching of all: watching hundreds of people on the news standing in front of hospitals and on the streets holding pictures of the missing asking anyone "have you seen him?" "have you seen her?" * The worst and the best of humanity displayed * United We Stand

Where were you that Tuesday? What do you remember?

---

I saw the flag waving this morning outside of my home. My heart fairly burst. I tried to explain to the boys why it was there. I just kept thinking that, despite the uncertain political climate and disconcerting moral decline, the United States of America is a blessed and wonderful nation. May I never forget all that has been sacrificed for me and my freedom...

• 21:39 Making apple crisp. #

• 08:09 Hello Friday! I love you. #
• 08:16 H: "Mom, I know another language." Me: "Oh really, what?" H (smiling) "Besame mucho!" Me: "What are they teaching you at preschool?..." #
• 20:09 Got called "Grandma" at Costco today. Second time in the last month. Do I look that old??? You'd tell me, right? #

• 15:12 Little boys. Hmmph. What is the fascination with the toilet? #
• 15:18 Breaking up fights all day. We need a trampoline...an air-conditioned trampoline. #
• 16:53 Asked HY to pick up some toys and, without missing a beat, he said "I don't feel comfortable with that." #
• 16:55 Dinner tonight: Chicken white chili #
• 21:36 Editing some writing for Aaron. Wow, it feels so good to be editing again--almost cathartic. #

• 09:49 Planning a romantic getaway. #
• 21:47 Did pilates with Aaron--best part of the day. #

• 10:43 Just got home. Three little boys. Thirteen big shots. It's going to be a down day for all of us. #
• 19:44 Curse you Papa Murphy's and your seductive garlic chicken pizza. #

This Could become Addicting

175 lbs this morning. Hallelujah. I am wearing pants today that have always been a touch "too tight" but are now just fine!!!

I wonder what will happen when I finally get to exercising consistently 6x a week?

Goal, next week: 174 lbs.

• 13:25 Have insurance, but they don't pay for vaccines. Doctor and clinic refuse to give them to me because I have insurance. What is wrong here? #
• 13:29 I should just stop paying the mortgage and insurance premiums. Then maybe someone could help me... #

Wonder of Wonder, Miracle, Miracle

I don't know how, and I checked twice, but this morning I weighed 176 lbs!

So, next Saturday's goal: 175 lbs.

• 11:00 Playing on the ground with my boys, Why don't I do this more often? It is so relaxing. #

• 08:06 First day of school for my little one. (Tear.) #
• 12:55 Paying bills. #
• 17:23 Some old lady just yelled at my children at the library. When she noticed me, she gave a sheepish smile and slunk away. #
• 17:23 Help me not become a crotchety old lady when I grow up... #
• 21:12 Sleepy. #

A Day Late (and a few dollars short...)

What a great surprise this morning. I made the goal after all.

177 lbs. Today.

Goal: next Thursday, 176 lbs.

• 08:38 Didn't make the weight goal for today, thanks to the hiatus to Utah. Curse you vacation munchies. #
• 11:52 Did pilates with HY. EZ and ASH added resistance by taking turns sitting on my head/abs the entire time. #
• 12:29 Signed the boys up for "build and grow clinics" at Lowes in September. Thanks for the great idea, Jill! #

• 16:27 Trying to get things done. #
• 16:30 Started a food journal-ing blog today. www.greeneyeddebonadiet.blogspot.com #

• 15:01 Back to the old grindstone. Back to the old diet. #
• 15:32 Life is so sweet with little children. With them the whole world is filled with treasures and wonders. "Look, Mom, another semi-truck!!!" #

Celebrating Little Victories

Made cookies for the neighbors yesterday.

Avoided dough and finished product (mostly).

Got out some creative energy with the boys, without breaking the diet.

Down one more pound: 178 lb!

Goal: next Wednesday, 177 lbs.

BTW

179 lbs. Today.

Goal: next Friday, 178 lbs.

Confession #14

The other day I went to a workshop about green cleaning products. It got me thinking about my cleaning products at home. And I came to this shocking realization:

I don't clean my house very often, if at all.

Seriously, the 409, Windex, everything...are probably still the same bottles of cleaning supplies that I purchased when I first moved here over three years ago (with the exception of toilet cleaner, wipes, and Mr. Clean magic erasers).

Juxtapose this with my almost compulsive need to have everything "picked up" and "put away." It gets really bad sometimes. Like, for example, the other day HY said to me, whilst in the midst of playing with blocks, "Mom, please don't put the blocks away yet..."

Hello?

Now, if only I could channel some of this obsessive energy towards some loftier goals like exercising or reading scriptures.

Chilled blah blah blah blah blah with blah blah blah...

For the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about making some summery gazpacho type item to accompany dinner. It just sounded good...some chilled, fresh tasting soup to counter the BLAZING heat outside.

So yesterday Hy and I whipped one up. (Literally. We whipped it up using a blender. Outside. Because the babies were asleep and my blender sounds like a small jet plane getting ready to takeoff. Good times.)

It was supposed to be grand: Chilled Cucumber Soup with Fresh Dill; perfectly complementing dinner (Grilled salmon, rice pilaf, sauteed summer squash) and rounding out the menu (only 70 calories per 1/2 cup!). And when it was finished it was quite beautiful. But the taste...

Well, it tasted just like what went in: watery cucumber puree with dill and buttermilk. I was somehow hoping that the combination of ingredients would mesh together and make some wonderful culinary combination.

Umm no.

Aaron finished his entire bowl--mostly out of generosity to me--but I couldn't stomach it (and chalked it up to saving calories).

---

So funny. I have all these great ideas and try to get all fancy and froo-froo, and really, sometimes it is just gross.

Tonight we are having chicken soup and biscuits. A winner all around.

Philippines, Cebu City

Wow Meridith! Congratulations!
I am still crying today.

More evidence that I need to lose a few...

10 year high school reunion

Deal of the Century

I bought milk today, in half-gallon containers, for $.15 each. (Their sell-by date was today so they were marked down.) I bought eight of them. Isn't that a steal? Pretty much 4 gallons for $1.20.

Get back!

In the past three days:

*I have stayed under 1500 calories, each day.
*I have exercised, each day.
*I went visiting teaching.
*I did all the laundry (washed, folded, put-away).
*I did the dishes, twice, every day.
*I did some other stuff that needed to get done.

Small potatoes for most people, but for me. Get back! That is awesome!

Ich danke dir für all das Gute und Liebe und Schöne...

I've been reading the "Diary of Anne Frank" this week. Except this edition is not the one we read in school. About ten years ago, the Anne Frank foundation in Switzerland allowed publishers to re-release her diary in its entirety.

Previous to this, Anne's father had only allowed specific edited passages to be published. And I can understand why he would feel that way. Reading over the passages I feel somewhat like a voyeur... Almost every entry is explicit--the mind and soul of any teenage girl looking forward to "impending menstruation," struggling over the clashes with her mother, suffering from want of attention from her father, and discovering boys. Sometimes I think "Why did you write this?..." But then I remember that she never expected this to be published or that anyone would ever see it.



What touches me most is that, though she certainly faced some exposure to the horrors of the Nazi regime (via radio, etc), she seemed wholly unable to see her life and the future without optimism.

Last night, after reading passages for an hour I flipped to the afterword--a cold and frank paragraph that snuffed out the life and vibrancy of a stubborn, vulnerable, candid and witty little girl.

Anne must have died in late February or early March. [Her body was] probably dumped in Bergen-Belsen's mass graves.

I couldn't help but pray more fervently in gratitude, this morning, for the freedoms I enjoy but don't always appreciate.

Boys Are So Lucky

"Men are Just Happier People"

What do you expect from such simple creatures.Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President.. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

---

I stole this from my brother. Who knows where he got it. But it certainly made me laugh. I think that I am going to write a dissertation, next week, on women and all their great advantages in life. We'll begin with the obvious: We just plain smell better!!!

...Trusty, dusky, vivid, true...

Often times, when I am away from Aaron for long periods of time, I feel much more sentimental and dreamy-eyed. (Sometimes to a point that becomes extremely sappy..) I think it is waking up in an empty bed and feeling the immediate loss. This is certainly the case today.

The Gory Details

Deborah

9/9/08 - Weighing in at 235 lbs, 9 mos pregnant

4/16/09 - 178 lbs, feeling good

6/19/09 - 181 lbs, and holding

6/30/09 - 185 lbs. Hmmph.

---

End goal 155 lbs. Do you think that I can do this by September 9, 2009?

In the spirit of competition, Aaron and I have become engaged in a wager, of sorts. The person with the highest percentage of body weight lost by Thanksgiving Day gets to use all of the ThankYou Network points we've accumulated this year (about $200.00 worth).

When I win, I will be using them to get this:



Wish me luck! (Oh, and Aaron, too)

• 12:36 I can feel it coming on. Bad mom day. #
• 12:38 "If you don't clean up these toys I am going to send them all to DI." And I'm not kidding. #
• 13:49 Feeling even more annoyed. Ate too much junk this morning. #

• 15:03 Too much to do... #
• 17:51 Dinner tonight: Sweet Ginger Paper Beef with Carrots and Smashed Red Potatoes. (Too bad I only have 400 Kcals left to enjoy it.) #
• 20:52 Every time I get home from YW I feel drained and rushed and terribly, terribly behind. #
• 20:54 Laundry, and dishes, and a skit, and a piano duet, and desserts, and visiting teaching, and a diet, and time for children, and budgeting... #
• 20:56 ...and time for the husband, and using up the mushy bananas (and expiring canned pumpkin), and the Temple trip on Sat, and the fundraiser.. #
• 20:59 ..and the horribly neglected toilets, and well balanced nutrition, and that scripture study goal, and waking up early, and going to bed.. #
• 21:01 ...and tomorrow is another day. I think I'll go read in bed and eat marshmallows and forget it all for awhile. #

• 20:27 Finally stopped throwing up today. Held the saltines and ginger ale down for the last 4 hours. Wishing for a better tomorrow. #

• 09:28 Only ate one waffle this morning--a breakthrough! #
• 11:17 Ode to the weather gods. I am LOVING you this summer! #

• 07:24 Dear Union Rep: Please stop wasting my time and dues sending me propaganda calling Walmart the "scourge of America." #

• 14:01 Playing mystery detective with Hy-guy. Examining the kitchen crumbs (a plentiful source) for clues to who-dunnit. #

• 18:10 Everyone is sick--and I mean everyone=boring Sunday afternoon. At least dinner was good. #

• 22:02 Playing boggle with Aaron. Killing him, of course. He's trying to get away with "wons" and "wests". Hello? #
• 22:03 My contribution of "nows" should count. Oprah would say we should all live in our own "nows". #
• 22:03 Starting to get annoyed. #
• 22:04 Earlier he tried to pass off "dirts." #

• 09:10 They're slurry sealing the street in front of my house this morning. The boys are loving it. Better than cable. #

• 21:25 Eating fresh cherries and playing Uno with Aaron. Getting ready to make him cry. You're going down, dude. #

Closing Shop

Something inside of me loves the freedom of publishing my writing--and throwing it out into the wide open space for anyone to peruse. Writing is drug-like in its flow and expression for me. Almost, but not completely, like getting wrapped up in a good book.

Consequently, this blog began (and has continued) as a mostly self-centered endeavor--a forum, if you will, to try out thoughts. Though, half of my blog entries remain, unfortunately, in my mind (generally played out while I'm nursing the baby in the middle of the night). And then there are the tweets, the high and low lists, and the ever-popular online personality test results.

I have been surprised how much intimacy and understanding that is fostered between friends and family when you have access to each others writing. (I'm practically addicted to reading my father's.) I have been annoyed, touched, angered, provoked to a different thought, and brought to tears by what others have written in their blogs. And maybe someone out there feels the same way about mine. Even someone that I don't know. (Though, even now, in writing this I am doubtful that ANYONE even reads this besides the occasional friend.)

And all of this would be just fine if there was not a potential threat in it. Or at least, if no weird creepy somebody-with-ulterior-motives could potentially read it. And if I didn't have children that I wanted to protect. Therefore, with a heavy heart, I am going private.

If there is anybody out there who would like to continue reading, email me or let me know via comments.

• 09:08 Ezra throwing up. Thrice last night, once today. In other news, I ate all the PB cookies I was going to avoid. Come on, Deborah. Courage! #
• 14:00 Feeling slightly nauseated...I hope it will last. #
• 22:38 Kicking back to a little Norah Jones--Aaron doing the dishes, kids in bed. Now all I need is a lovely rain storm. Pure bliss. #

• 08:41 Yum! Just had strawberry freezer jam on toast for breakfast. It's going to be a beautiful day! #

• 06:56 Freezer dinner enrichment? Check. Talking in church? Check. Today's project: get down and play with my baby boys. #

• 11:22 Making 8.5 gallons of homemade chicken gravy this morning. A little hot in the kitchen... #

• 09:28 Back from the break and behind: out of milk and diapers, LOTS of laundry. #
• 15:34 Busy busy busy busy... #

• 10:51 Just got home from a city pancake breakfast and walking tour. Love love love quaint little Saturday mornings. #
• 10:52 Now down to business. Project of the day: prep 35 lbs of pork for enchiladas... #

• 07:45 Thinking of making the blog private. Got a hit from someone in Israel the other day. #
• 08:58 Not yet 9am and they've already found a giant mud puddle to play in. All I can do is laugh--they are having the time of their lives. #
• 08:59 Beautiful today! Overcast with a gentle cool(ish) breeze. #
• 17:26 Hot cereal for dinner for the kids. #

• 07:38 Headache. Rough night. #
• 10:31 The batch of granola I made yesterday is now covered in dish soap. When I asked them what they were thinking, I was met with blank stares. #
• 10:33 Today's project: Experimenting with a baked roux and chicken gravy... #
• 14:27 I don't like facebook. For some reason it annoys me. #

• 14:00 Googling "flies eyes" to satisfy a four-year-old's curiosity. #
• 14:59 Started buying baby girl clothes again. Probably pointless. My luck says the next three will be boys, too. #

• 16:08 Having hot flashes. Air conditioner on the fritz. Poor kids--napping in only diapers and still sweating. #
• 16:19 Feeling very very hot. #
• 21:59 Hallelujah! My genius husband fixed the air conditioner. Down from 90 to 75 degrees inside. #

• 15:29 Working on projects for YW and RS. What is the difference between whipped ricotta and un-whipped? #

• 20:54 Just threw up. Starting to feel better now. #

• 10:20 Picking out a sliver from EZ's thumb with a needle. Having childhood flashbacks. #
• 10:59 Exercised this morning. First time in a couple of weeks. Let's see if we can't try this again... #

• 20:50 Enjoying the quiet of kids in bed and the lovely cool breeze of evening. #

An open letter to Caitlin, a girl I used to babysit who is getting married tomorrow

Dear Caitlin,

You were the kind of little girl that it was easy to see the woman inside--independent, and always thinking, and negotiating. Often, when I babysat, I would not see you for hours. You were, perhaps, in your room doing something or at a friends house. No matter where you were, though, you were FINE on your own. I do remember, however, that at the end of the night, often, when the others were in bed, you'd emerge for a bowl of ice cream.

I always used to wonder about you and about what you were thinking.

Now I have children of my own and I have an oldest and he has many of the same personality traits... Sometimes I wonder about him and what he is thinking. And sometimes his independence, like yours, can come across as indifference. But, also like you, it is only an exterior. There is so much underneath.

Last year, when you were in Jerusalem, I started to read your blog. It was beautiful and interesting and honest. The depth of your feeling and testimony and love for family touched and inspired me. What a great woman you have become!

Then when you announced your were getting married there came the inevitable comments. "Marriage is so fun, but it is hard."

I think I know what they mean when they say "marriage is hard," yet, at the same time, I don't. Hopefully your marriage will not be "hard." Hopefully it will be wonderful and interesting and living and growing and changing and adjusting and exciting, and yes, even after a few years, magical. Frankly, that will be up to you.

For myself, when I think about the fact that I get to wake up next to Aaron every morning, I still feel that surge of happiness that was there during courtship. Only it is tempered, now, with more gratitude and a desire to be more and do more for him than previously. He is everything to me.

Then you combine that with children and the Gospel and you'll find that your life is unbelievably full and good.

And then comments that things are "hard" will not matter so much as what the dividends are.

Well, best wishes tomorrow. You'll make a beautiful bride. It's going to be great.

Deborah

• 07:31 Gorgeous morning. What shall we do today? #
• 10:37 So he's up all night and sleeps all morning. Hmmm. When does Mom get to sleep? #

• 08:43 Another beautiful (though hot) day. The boys have spent the last half hour watching the backhoe in the neighbors yard. Ahhh summer. #
• 08:45 Getting rid of all sippy cups today. Wish me luck. #
• 09:11 I'm singing some random song about what a beautiful day it is and suddenly I notice that EZ is yelling from the other room "Mom, Stop!" Haha #
• 20:43 The City's bakeoff top prize is a trip to NY to hang out with Food Network for several days. Guess who's hubby's job disqualifies her? #
• 20:44 ...Then the top prize for the writing contest is a Wii. Yeah, disqualified again. #

• 14:56 Headache. So much running through my head. #

Why Do I Take These Silly Tests???

I was intrigued after reading Mer's blog about the color quiz. My results seem accurate, I guess. But who knows? I wonder if these "results" are written such that they seem specific enough to be genuine, yet are ambiguous enough to be phony. Hmmmm. I wonder.

Either way, here are my results.

Free personality analysis of Deb.
Generated on Sun, 19 Apr 2009 20:42:48 -0700
www.colorquiz.com

Deb's Existing Situation

"In a very inactive and stationary condition, yet conflict and disagreements keep the wheels in the head constantly turning. Looking for fulfilling relationships which are affectionate and understanding, yet settles for less."

Deb's Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as herself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of herself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Deb's Restrained Characteristics

Emotionally demanding and will involve herself in close relationships but won't get too involved or give too much of herself.

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

Deb's Desired Objective

"If motivated, she will easily and quickly learn new skills. Is very intense person who seeks excitement and sexual stimulation. Wants others to see her as an exciting and interesting person, who is also charming and can easily influence others. Uses her charm to increase her chances of success and gain other people's trust."

Deb's Actual Problem

"Impressed by unique and one of a kind things, and by people with exceptional personalities. Tries to takes the characteristics she likes in other people and apply it to herself as well as coming across as a unique individual."

• 15:33 Planning out the rest of the year with Aaron. Where did April go? #
• 19:10 Dinner tonight: Grilled curry chicken, basmati with lentils, roasted veggies. Yum! So good to be home. #

Yes, but what can I make for you?

There is something deeply satisfying about feeding a good eater. I just love it. I'm not talking about someone that wantonly gorges himself on mindless, pointless, calorie-laden concoctions. I'm talking about someone that loves every bite of wonderful food for the simple flavors and goodness of them. I'm talking about juicy grilled chicken and tart summer berries and chewy, nutty brown rices, and buttery, sauteed summer squashes, and crunchy crispy peppery salads, and cold smooth lemon sherbet with bursts of zest throughout.

ASH is a good eater and I just LOVE him for it. HY was a really good eater. I had him eating acorn squash and wild rice pilaf with relish at twelve months. EZ was a (kind of) good eater--of all things savory, that is. He would rather eat spoonfuls of spinach sausage soup than applesauce and rice cereal. But who can blame the kid? Aaron is a good eater and a particularly adventurous one too, which is oodles of fun.

I just love to feed people that want to be fed.

I'v been thinking about this a lot lately--the subtle differences between a good eater and an overeater. It has been on my mind as I've been journeying through the last several months on a diet. I constantly am watching family members struggle with the temptation to overeat (and the resulting unpleasant consequences...).

In the end, I have no desire to be, raise, or encourage overeaters (eating as a vice, obsession or whatever). But I do want to raise good eaters--people that appreciate and love the varieties of flavors that God has given us to enjoy.

When I think about the fact that I have three sons (three sons!!!), it makes me want to jump up and down and spin around and laugh and laugh and laugh. One day they will all be very hungry growing teenagers. My heart practically bursts at the thought. I will get to feed this hungry brood every day! Wow! What a day that will be! And what is more, maybe, just maybe, I will be blessed with more sons by that time. Maybe we will have to have several refrigerators and several deep freezes and I will really get to use all of my mass food production skills I have be honing over the years...but I digress.

Right now my little boys are still teeny and sweet and darling and little wonders of personality and grit. And the joy of feeding them is just a small portion of how dynamic and interesting and messy my life has become over the years as a new mother. I'm sure it will only get more so as time passes.

Tonight we tried a new baby food, ASH and I. It wasn't anything spectacular, just apples with blackberries, but the flavor was so fantastic for Gerber fare that I made Aaron try it too. "Not too bad...it would be really good frozen, like a sorbet of sorts." Exactly. The best thing, however, was the look on ASH's face. Pure bliss. It probably matched mine in every particular.

• 12:55 Feeling like I'm going to throw up. #
• 13:31 Hooray! hit my lowest weight so far this morning. -57 lbs, 23 left. And all of this in spite of Richard's attempt at sabotage. #