• 09:25 170 lbs this morning. 15 to goal. #

• 14:13 Another childhood 1st today: HY stuffed a Kix cereal ball up his nose during Sac Meeting. When he couldn't pull it out, he was traumatized. #
• 14:13 ...I haven't seen Aaron laugh that hard in a long time. #

• 14:11 While examining blobs of lipstick on the carpet, HY just alerted me to a sudsy pool coming out of the bottom of the dishwasher. #
• 14:12 I don't know why, but, at the moment, it all strikes me as enormously funny... Really, I cannot stop laughing. #
• 14:12 What next? #

• 16:27 Me: "So, do you know who the president of the U.S. is?" HY: (smugly) "Yes, President Bottom!" Me: (laughing) "Um, close.." #

I Hate It When the Answer is Always "Exercise"

I spent a few minutes this afternoon doing some reading/meditating/actually-had-personal-prayer-for-the-day-ing.

Then later I read some thoughts from other people (ie: blogs, etc) about their bad days this week, and the comments my friends left for me after my meltdown this afternoon--motherhood is a "work in progress,'' "It will pass" and "even things done wrong, bless your family." Their words reached into me and melted my cold, clutched heart.

Then finally, tonight after dinner, we went on a walk as a family (and actually did some jogging, which was fun). The combination of them all, like magic, has shifted my attitude this evening and the world looks brighter and I don't feel so down and so terribly blue.

I guess we are all in this together, in a way. The trick, maybe, is balance, optimism, and endurance.

Oh yeah, and some sleep.

Might As Well Throw In the Towel

It's been such a "bad mom day." Actually a "bad mom month," really. And I don't really know why. It always seems like everyone else in the world is having this grand and glorious time with motherhood and I am not. It is like somebody forgot to teach me how to do this, because, really I have no idea.

It seems like every day is filled with mistakes--I am unkind, impatient, neglectful, and just plain selfish. And they are whiny, and whiny, and bored, and fighting, and whiny, and messy, and whiny. I find myself matching their (justified) immaturity with my (unjustified) immaturity.

And the thing is, it is not getting better. I seem to be getting worse as I go along. And I feel such deep regret and guilt at the end of every frustrating day. These poor children. They are so good and sweet and innocent and they deserve far better.

I feel like I am messing them up and I know that I am not giving them all of the love and attention that they need.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Sometimes I just need to write it down.

• 20:53 Just got home from a Bishop's fireside on chastity. So glad to be married... #

• 15:03 Watching "Enchanted" with HY--both singing along at the top of our lungs..."how does she know you love her?..." #

• 11:04 Three milk spills is my daily limit. Especially for this early in the morning. Allllll dummmmmmmm! #
• 20:28 Settling down to watch some Harry Potter with the hubby. #

Happy Face

172 lbs today. I can hardly believe it. I'm trying to think of a great "reward" for when I break into the 160's.

In previous diet attempts, I have assuaged the hunger pains with promises of gorge sessions in the future. But, for some reason, this time, more food and gorging doesn't sound appealing. Not just because it will wreck all the work that has gone into the last several weeks, but it is no longer something that sounds nice. It doesn't feel good to overeat. In fact, it feels gross. I'd, honestly, rather do something else, like go on a lovely hike with my family.

A revelation.

Almost exactly one year ago, I sat holding a newborn baby in my arms crying uncontrollably because I was too fat to fit into anything I owned and I had zero desire to run after and play with my children. My greatest desire with the arrival of baby boy #3 was to change my life--my understanding of living. I wanted to reconcile who I am and what my passions are with a healthy, strong, active lifestyle. The task seemed overwhelming at best, and impossible at worst.

But, here we are...

And I'm never, never going back.

Goal, next week: 171 lbs.

• 21:40 Dinner was delish tonight: Fettuccine with carmelized red onion, zuchinni, and lemon parmesan cream sauce. The baby loved it. #

• 10:39 What? Are those stickers on my glass-top range??? (I get online for, like, 2 minutes...) #

• 08:36 What could be more beautiful than a September morning and three little boys? #
• 13:24 Just ordered 14 pizzas online. I know, you're jealous. #
• 16:00 It is enormously frustrating when your children fight. I feel so drained after a day of them "tussling." #

Dreams Really Do Come True

173 lbs

• 11:11 Happy September 11th. God bless America! #
• 11:12 Feeling somewhat sentimental this morning. #
• 14:01 Paying bills. #

Didn't Think I Was Going to Make It

Squeezed it in this week, barely, no thanks to the Labor day weekend with Elizabeth and those danged coconut cupcakes...

174 lbs, today.

Goal, next week: 173 lbs.

Land of the Free and Home of the Brave

I can't believe it has been eight years * I was in college--my Mom told me about the first plane and then the pentagon while I was getting ready * My first class that morning was empty--the teacher had written on the board "no class today, go home and be with your families" * I called my best friends--they were still in bed, had no idea... * We spent the day in shocked silence * Everyone stood quietly, eyes glued to the TVs in the halls * My last class that day was at 7 p.m. My teacher, not an American, said "Your President is speaking, get out of here and go listen to him" We filed out in silence to another building and sat in tears with the rest of the nation as we heard the address * I went home that day defeated, almost scared, not knowing if more attacks where imminent--wondering how my family felt.. * Headache, overwhelming heaviness of heart * The next morning: flags flying everywhere, flag stickers on cars, wearing red-white-and blue, standing in long lines to give blood * Most heart-wrenching of all: watching hundreds of people on the news standing in front of hospitals and on the streets holding pictures of the missing asking anyone "have you seen him?" "have you seen her?" * The worst and the best of humanity displayed * United We Stand

Where were you that Tuesday? What do you remember?

---

I saw the flag waving this morning outside of my home. My heart fairly burst. I tried to explain to the boys why it was there. I just kept thinking that, despite the uncertain political climate and disconcerting moral decline, the United States of America is a blessed and wonderful nation. May I never forget all that has been sacrificed for me and my freedom...

• 21:39 Making apple crisp. #

• 08:09 Hello Friday! I love you. #
• 08:16 H: "Mom, I know another language." Me: "Oh really, what?" H (smiling) "Besame mucho!" Me: "What are they teaching you at preschool?..." #
• 20:09 Got called "Grandma" at Costco today. Second time in the last month. Do I look that old??? You'd tell me, right? #

• 15:12 Little boys. Hmmph. What is the fascination with the toilet? #
• 15:18 Breaking up fights all day. We need a trampoline...an air-conditioned trampoline. #
• 16:53 Asked HY to pick up some toys and, without missing a beat, he said "I don't feel comfortable with that." #
• 16:55 Dinner tonight: Chicken white chili #
• 21:36 Editing some writing for Aaron. Wow, it feels so good to be editing again--almost cathartic. #